Japan’s Unwritten Rules – A deeper cut. #japanlife #japanese #japantravel #japaneseculture

Japan’s Unwritten Rules – A deeper cut. #japanlife #japanese #japantravel #japaneseculture

Don’t be the person who hears that offer and be like, “Oh, yeah, okay. I’ll tapio and and then take it.” No, no, no, no, no. You’ve just dashed that person’s dreams. What is good everyone? Welcome to the channel. My name is Paul. I make videos about Japanese society, life, and culture from the viewpoint of a long-term foreign resident. I’ve been in Japan for 20 years. And today, I’m going to be going over some of the unwritten rules of Japanese society. Not the ones you can find on any Instagram or Tik Tok reel where they talk about don’t talk on the phone on the train, don’t walk and eat, um, don’t leave tips. Yeah, all of those have been well well covered in social media. I’m going to try to go deeper, talk about some fun ones, talk about some serious ones, but mostly trying to share with you some of the unwritten rules of Japan. And there are a lot of them. Let’s be honest, I’m certainly not going to cover all of them in this video. And all the long-termers who watch my videos, feel free to comment in the comment sections ones that I should have talked about or that I missed. And of course, if you are new to Japan or thinking of coming to Japan and you have any questions about some of the rules that I bring up, be sure to ask those questions in the comment section. I really do get around to about 95% of all the comments made on my videos. So, I will see your comment or question and I will get back to you. Now, before I jump into the topic, I do want to say that today’s video is sponsored by Sakuro, which is the artisan Japanese snack box company. They ship all over the world, and you’re able to get a taste of Japan in your own home, wherever you might be. It’s a really good company that I’m really happy to partner with, and I will talk more about them later, but let’s start with the first unwritten rule. And we are going to start off on the train. So, if you are sitting on the train, there are certain rules about where to sit. Those unwritten rules are if there are open seats on the ends, you want to grab those first because that ensures you’re going to have no one at least on one side of you. If those aren’t available, the next best place is the place in the middle of the bench where there is a pole coming down. It doesn’t really separate you from the people on either side, but still that’s the most coveted place after the end spots. And if you’re sitting on a train that suddenly empties out and those spots open up and you remain seated in the middle of the bench, you’re going to get some side eyes like that person’s kind of crazy. You’re supposed to jump up and immediately move to one of those spots when they become available. So don’t just stay seated where you are. Finally, because you don’t want to stand out and look like an idiot, don’t sit next to the foreigner. If there’s someone who is a visible foreigner sitting on the train, don’t sit next to them. Not because Japanese people think that foreigners smell bad or something, but foreigners stand out. And then if you sit next to them, you kind of by proxy stand out as well. So never sit next to the foreigner. The gajun seat is 100% a thing. If it’s a full train, the final two seats to fill up will be the ones that are next to me. But what that means is if I’m in a relatively empty train and someone deliberately sits next to me, I immediately go into fight or flight mode because oh my god, why did they choose to sit next to me? What’s going on? What are they going to do? So like I actually have this reaction of there’s a whole train here. Why did you sit next to me? That’s Japanese people don’t do that. So those are the rules of sitting on the train. So, continuing on the theme of not trying to stand out, there is something that definitely happens in Japan, which is I would call shooting the messenger. And this is more serious in the sense that if you talk about certain things, you make them real and then that can cause people to feel uncomfortable or shame or emotions that uh you have caused because you talked about something. For example, if you know that your friend, their significant other, is cheating on them and you bring it up to your friend, you might think you’re doing them a solid. You have become the problem potentially. Basically, you’ve spoken about it. You’ve made it real. You’ve made it apparent that people outside of that couple know about this and are talking about it. You’ve brought it up and now you are at risk of being ghosted by your friend or being thought of as a troublemaker by your friend and you know that should have remained between the couple and you shouldn’t have talked about it. Same thing can happen in the corporate world where if you bring up a problem or some kind of issue in the workplace with higherups, well right now you are actually the problem. Shoot the messenger. like it’s probably a problem or an issue that they are aware of and now that you’ve talked about it and brought it out in the open it’s like okay all right you’ve made it real and now you’re the problem for having done so and I realize this is not just Japan where this happens certainly corporate uh cultures around the world like person who brings something up can be the problem but in Japan it’s particularly pernicious because Japan is still behind in a lot of ways when it comes to reporting things like harassment in the workplace, etc. So, yeah, being the messenger of bad things can often get you in trouble. And so, it is a reason why a lot of Japanese people, they know the problems there, and they just keep their mouth shut about it. Or there’s the other unwritten rule, which is, maybe you’ve heard of this, when you go out drinking with colleagues, that’s when you can start to air more grievances. you can talk about things a little more frankly because you’re drunk and or pretending to be drunk and so like oh it’s you know it’s not really you it’s the drunk version of you so we’re not going to hold you accountable. The other half of that unwritten rule though is which is very interesting. It’s such a part of the culture to go drinking with colleagues, go drinking with clients. If you come to work the next day and you’re all horribly hung over and visibly hung over, that’s a big no no. That’s one of the unwritten rules that you’re breaking. You have to come to work the next day and be completely normal again. Otherwise, you might even get called out over it. Like, pull yourself together, man. So, even though you did it for the company or for the clients or whatever, you still have to show up the next day at work like nothing ever happened. The next one is apologize. Anytime you think you might have even possibly peripherally inconvenienced someone, you should always apologize. An example would be if you’re in a shop and you’re paying with cash and all you have is a 10,000 yen note, which is a big note that they’ll have to break for you and give you a lot of change. You should usually be like like, “I’m I’m sorry. I only have a 10,000 yen note. like is that okay? Um can is that okay if I use it? And of course it’s always okay. I mean Japanese shops are still very used to being cash only and they have the amount of cash on hand to give change normally. But still it’s like that thing. Oh, I’m doing something that might be an inconvenience. So I got to give a little apology. Also there’s the saying I feel I should bring up at this point. It’s better to apologize later than ask permission. One of the unwritten rules of many Japanese and Japanese institutions is that the worst case scenario is the most likely one to happen. There can be a lot of pretty negative thinking in Japan about how things are going to work out. So, if you want to try something or you need to do something, you’re probably going to get a no if you ask if it’s okay to do it or if you know you can get permission for something. So, it’s better to do it and if it works out, then no one cares and everyone’s fine and there’s no issue. And if that worst case scenario happens, then okay, apologize later. My example that I give for this is when I first moved to Japan in 2002, I wanted to go train in a martial arts dojo. Um, the head sensei of this martial arts school was in Machida, Tokyo, and I’d studied in the States before coming here. And I wanted to go to the head dojo like and actually you know study under the main sensei of my school and Machita Tokyo was very far away from Yamanashi where I was living and actually where I’m filming today. This is Kawaguchko in Yamanashi Prefecture and Machida is not close to here and it involves several train changes and even some buses and my sensei had given me all the information about where I needed to go in terms of the station and which bus to take. But this is the days before Google maps, before smartphones. So figuring out the trains to get from Yamanashi here to Machida Tokyo was not so easy back then. So I asked in my board of education who was my employer at the time if they could help me to get to Machida Tokyo. And you know they they pulled out some maps and some time table tables that were you know of course paper um out of desk drawers and they were they were pouring over these things and there was lots of it. M oh going to until finally they said you shouldn’t go. I was just like you shouldn’t go and they were not going to help me. So in the end I had to figure it out myself cuz I wasn’t going to take no for an answer. But yeah that was just the typical you know it’s going to be too difficult. It’s you know I mean they were looking out for me. I don’t think they were doing it you know out of trying to prevent me from doing something like that. It was just that they thought, “Oh, this poor foreigner is going to have a real problem. He’s going to get lost. We’re responsible for him, so it’s better to just refuse.” Oh, by the way, I think there is an addendum to the whole don’t talk on the train thing. There seem to be some unwritten rules about who is allowed to talk on the train. things like if you are a group of students on your way to a sporting event, they are some of the loudest groups on just local trains. So that whole like, oh, Japanese are always quiet on trains. Yeah. Not if you’re a group of students or if you are a group of elderly people like ‘ 60s, ‘7s, ‘ 80s and you’re on an outing. Those groups can be very chatty and loud on trains. And maybe they’re playing the age card like, “Well, we’re the elders of society, so we can get away with something like this.” But, uh, yeah, it’s kind of a myth that no one is ever noisy or no one ever talks on trains. And those two groups seem to be especially exempt. And speaking of age, there’s one that I’ve had to pick up recently because apparently it is a rule in Japan that if you are a man and you’re over 40, anytime you want to pass someone, you have to make this hand chopping gesture like like everyone hand chops. Like if you’re a male over 40 and you have to get past people, learn this hand chop gesture. What is Sakurako? It’s a monthly Japanese artisan snack box that supports local makers across Japan. Each box is carefully curated with traditional and seasonal snacks like mochi, doriyaki, mangju, and more. It includes signature Japanese teas and an exclusive homeware item. Sakuro globally delivers an authentic taste of Japan to your home. Their mission is to experience Japan from the comfort of your own home through Sakuro’s treats. Each box includes a cultural booklet which features snack descriptions, allergen information, and fun insights about Japanese culture. I really like how they take the time to feature some of the confectionaries that make the sweets and gives you their story. The theme this month is not from a specific place in Japan, but rather reflects the autumn moon festival, featuring treats from all around Japan. This month, Sakuro allows you to authentically experience Japan’s tradition of sukimi. You can savor the season’s delicacies and welcome the autumn with snacks best enjoyed under the warm glow of the harvest moon. Tukimi themed cookies, carefully crafted rabbit, soft chews and mangju, and delicate mikon cream cookies are some of this month’s Sakuro snacks and they pair very well with the tikkimi gocha which can be elegantly brewed in this month’s box exclusive homegood. The tsukimi you know me. [Music] Personally, I’m really excited about this month’s Sakurako theme because I think Tsukimi or the Moon Viewing Festival in September is a much underrated festival in Japan. I think that it’s something that should come back in Japanese culture. So, I really appreciate Sakurako’s efforts to make this box really curated with cool tsuki or moon related goods. Specifically, there’s a lot of things with rabbit themes on them because while Americans will say we can see a man in the moon when you look up at the face of the moon, Japanese say they see a rabbit. So, there’s a rabbit in the moon. Some of the rabbit themed items include this handmade cookie that’s made in Kyoto. We’ve got these rabbit shaped soft chews. This is a rabbit mju that says Usagi on the package. And of course, these Mikon cream fil cute rabbit cookies. If you order a box, you have all the information you need in the booklet that it comes with about how the treat is made, what it’s made of, what the allergens are, etc. I’m going to start by brewing the tea, which this month is Tsukimi Gokcha, which comes from Totoi Prefecture. And I’m going to make it in this month’s exclusive Tsukimi Yunomi. Ah, you can smell the black bean in there right away. If you’ve never had black bean tea before, it’s quite a bit different from other teas. and I quite like it. Let that steep for a moment and let’s decide what we’re going to pair with it. I’m thinking I want to pair it with one of the featured makers this month. They talk about the development of this confectionary after the war and how they were trying to make simple treats for people to enjoy at a time when food was very very scarce. So, I’m going to have what is known as an usag pon sunde. These are apparently all made by hand as well. I think any Japanese who lived through the Showa era of Japan, the post-war period would say that this is a very nutskashi taste or very nostalgic taste. That’s a lot more delicate than the black bean teas I’ve had in restaurants before. I think it’s because it’s not just black bean. It’s mixed with those other ingredients as well. So, it actually comes off as a much more balanced tea. Since I’ve gone and talked about the rabbit theme of the month, I should have something rabbit related. So, I’m going to have one of these Meikon cookies so that I can have something sweet as well. So, Meikon is Japanese citrus. So, basically it’s like a mandarin orange. Hear that crispy crackle? I’m quite surprised actually. The orange comes through right away. I thought it would be kind of a delicate orange that would kind of blend in with the rest of the cookie. No, that’s really strikingly orange flavored. I’ve always enjoyed the pure variety of things that they curate for these boxes cuz you’ve got salty, you’ve got sweet, you’ve got savory, you’ve got chewy, you’ve got crunchy. It’s basically a really good mix of all the flavors and textures you can find in Japanese confectionary in a single box. I really enjoyed partnering with Sakuro because they do such a good job curating their boxes and I really am thankful to Sakuro for pairing the channel and supporting me in my journey of making YouTube videos. So, thank you Sakuro. If you use my link and my code at checkout Xchapter, you can get $5 off your first order and that will be supporting the channel and you will be getting an excellent product at the same time. So, thank you so much to Sakuro. Let’s get back to the video. [Music] Now, another rule about the office place is spouses and co-workers and the office never mix. There’s no tradition of like the office holiday party where spouses are invited and you know, everyone enjoys the time together. The unwritten rule is that I mean it’s not even just so unwritten. It’s just that people would look at you absolutely crazy if you’re like, “Oh, can I bring my wife to the end of your party?” They’d be like, “What?” Never even having considered that to be something anyone would do. So, it is completely a strong social rule in Japan that spouses are separate from the workplace. There are there’s no office picnic in the summertime or office barbecue where spouses are involved. I mean, there might be gatherings and gettogethers and retreats, but they will be exclusive to the employees of that company. No spouses allowed. When you’re at an event like a dinner party with your co-workers or something, or even just your friends, you’re out at an izakaya eating and drinking. If you’ve never been to an izakaya, it’s basically Japanese style drinking establishment where you order lots of plates of little food um that is shared by everyone and you order your own drinks and there’s an unwritten rule that you never take the last one on the plate. Let’s say there’s one piece of fried chicken left on the plate. It’s going to sit there for a while. In fact, the unwritten rule seems to be that you have to let it sit there until nearly the end of the party and then if you want to eat it, you should hold up the plate and say like, “Anyone want to eat this?” Like, you hold it up and offer it. And this is your polite way of showing that you would really like to eat that. But you have to make the show of like, “Oh, I want to give it other people potentially the chance to eat it.” Now, don’t be the person who hears that offer and be like, “Oh, yeah, okay. I’ll tapio and and then take it.” No, no, no, no, no. You’ve just dashed that person’s dreams about eating that last one. It’s just a gesture to be polite. And the correct answer is, “Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. like just go ahead. No, no, you eat it. Go ahead, eat it. Cuz they’ve signaled that they’re interested in that food by offering it to everyone else. And if you then snatch it from them, like now you’re the bad guy. So the unwritten rule is offer it. And then when everyone’s like, “Oh, go ahead. No, you eat it.” You have to be apologetic again. I’m going to take the last one. and like basically you know apologize for taking the last one and that ritual gets played out again and again. Now the next one I think is one that if you come from more legalistic countries can be hard for foreign people to understand. There are a lot of regulations and rules that are encoded into law that if you break this law, you will be fined or you could face jail or you could uh lose your driver’s license or whatever the case might be. And a lot of times if you’re caught doing some of these things, it’s actually okay to if you completely fess up, like you don’t do the American thing, which is like, I’m not going to I don’t talk to police and give me my lawyer. Uh if you’re just talking to the police and say like, yep, yeah, I I’m guilty of this. That was totally me. And if it’s something relatively minor, a lot of times a formal apology if given to the police or to some wronged party is enough. And there are no charges, there are no fines, there’s no jail, nothing. Um, I’ve heard about this happening to a lot of people and I have friends through whom it’s happened as well. Oh, my friend Dave, he was moving back to America and he had this box of things that he really couldn’t throw away with normal trash. And so he snuck it and put it in an alleyway uh in Tokyo in the area where he was living, just left it in an alleyway near some garbage dumps, uh garbage, you know, the the garbage sites where garbage pickup happens. But it’s all full of stuff that isn’t sorted and so it it can’t really be picked up as it is. he made the mistake of leaving a letter in there that had his name and address on it. So, the building owner, found that, reported it to the police, and they had him come down to the station for a sit down talk. And uh well, um at the end, he gave a written apology and a a bow and a moshiwaki to the business owner in front of the police and that was it. You know, he could have been fined like 100,000 yen. He could have, you know, faced like a month of community service, which would have been rough since he was moving back to the States. Like he could have faced real penalties. Another friend got caught riding their scooter without insurance. And that is, you know, punishable by fine and even potential jail time for, you know, riding a vehicle without insurance. This person ended up giving a formal apology with their boss. of uh where they were working at the time. They basically went to the police station and my friend gave this really formal apology with the boss backing up saying, you know, this will never happen again. We’re responsible for this person and we trust that they will never make this mistake again. The police accepted the apology. No fine, no jail, no penalty at all. Just the humility of bowing and saying, “I’m sorry,” and asking for forgiveness. The unwritten underlying thing is that if you are willing to apologize and own up to it, then no harmful consequences will actually come to you. Now, I’m not a lawyer. I’m not giving any legal advice here. So, you know, don’t just think you can do whatever you want, apologize, and get out of it. I’m not saying that. It’s going to depend on the situation and what the actual infraction, you know, that was done. So, yeah, don’t just think you can get away with anything by apologizing. But there is that culture in Japan where that does happen. Now this next one, uh I risk angering a group of people who take their vehicle very seriously, but I firmly believe that if you buy a Toyota High Ace, a giant van that’s quite popular in Japan, there’s a lot of people who buy these. But I swear when you buy one of these at the dealer, the unwritten rule is you promise as an owner of one of these High Toyotas, you promise that you will drive too fast, you will weave between lanes, you will tailgate everyone, and you will generally be an on the road. That seems to be the requirement for owning one of those. I mean, I I can’t tell you how many times I’ve just been tailgated by a high ace or have them weaving around me dangerously far more than any other vehicle type. I don’t know what it is, but the drivers of a high, the unwritten rule seems to be you’ve got to be really rude. What I’m going to leave you with though is that ultimately Japan is the ultimate cukio culture. Reading the air, checking the atmosphere. If I have any bit of advice for anyone moving to Japan, coming here as a tourist, that is watch the people around you. Keep a general awareness of what’s going on. how people are acting, how people are interacting, how people are sideeying you or ignoring you, whatever the case may be, because that is the best way to kind of maneuver your way through Japanese society without getting into trouble, without annoying people, without breaking some of these unwritten rules. If you’re acting like the people are acting around you, then you’re not breaking any rules. You’re not doing anything wrong. It’s kind of a treasured trait in Japan to be able to read the room and to be able to act and interact in situations. And it comes down a lot of the time to not causing trouble for others. If you notice that you might be doing something or engaging in something that could possibly be troublesome or annoying for other people, that’s when you should take a moment and be like, “Okay, wait. Am I am I standing out here? Am am I is this really something I should be doing or should not be doing? The example I would give would be again there’s one piece of fried chicken left on the plate. If you just nab it and eat it and don’t notice that people around the table are kind of like, you know, giving a a flash of a look like, I can’t believe he just did that. And you don’t notice it. Well, you know, you’re a kukiomito or you’re a person who doesn’t read the air or doesn’t pay attention to how others might feel about your actions. Okay. Um, I’m starting to melt from the heat. It’s really beautiful here, but it is hot as well. Um, we are filming in the middle of September and I’m looking forward to the cooler weeks ahead. Let us know in the comments below your opinions about any of these unwritten rules or, you know, anything that I missed or should have talked about, questions that you might have. If you made it this far in the video and you haven’t hit the like button or subscribed or shared this with someone, uh, what are you doing? Now is the time. Thank you so much for watching. Remember, if you use my code exjaptor at Sakurico, you will get $5 off your purchase and you will be helping the channel at the same time. But at the end of the day, I thank you first and foremost for watching this video and spending your time with me as I walk around today. Thank you so much. Catch you next time. Peace.

Welcome to the channel! Like and Share to help support my work.

Use the code EXJAPTER to get $5 off of your first order of a gift box full of high quality Japanese snacks with SakuraCo!
https://team.sakura.co/exjapter

Yokohama vids dropping soon! Support me directly on Patreon here:
https://www.patreon.com/c/ExJapTer989

Learn Japanese conveniently ONLINE! If you use my link below you can receive a discount with Japonin and learn Japanese from anywhere, from real Japanese teachers! 2 trial lessons are FREE.
https://www.japonin.com/exjapter Code: exjapter

Looking for genuine original Japanese woodblock prints? Check out my curated store here:
https://www.etsy.com/shop/PrintsyGalore

Find me on IG @exjapter