The only thing the British public loves more than taking on a mountain completely unprepared is going online afterwards to complain about it like a pack of self-righteous, T-shirt-tanned dimwits.
From the far reaches of the Andes and Japan to our well-loved home shores of Wainwrights and Welsh peaks, the world’s most iconic mountains are now, horrifically, fully available for review by the general public.
Thanks to Tripadvisor and, increasingly, Google Maps, sceptical travellers can click around an aerial view from their holiday Airbnb and discover what fellow tourists have to say about a hill or two.
I fell down a rabbit hole last night, reading one-star mountain reviews, and I genuinely can’t get enough of them.
One guy said Mont Blanc was “a little too high for my taste”, Suzanne Carter dismissed Pen y Fan as “just a bloody hill”, and someone reviewing K2 simply wrote “the sequel is never as good as the first one”.
Plus, everyone and their nan reckons the Matterhorn is a complete waste of money, staffed by “angry, indifferent Swiss bastards”.
So, with that in mind, here’s a choice selection of the very worst reviews of some of the most brilliant, challenging, rewarding and majestic mountains on this little blue marble we call Earth.
1. Too much poo on Snowdon for Keith
One anonymous reviewer (who I’m naming Keith because, come on, he’s clearly a Keith) gave Snowdon / Yr Wyddfa one star on account of its scatological scenery.
Another reviewer felt the view wasn’t worth the climb, and described the path as “treacherous – great spot for an argument with the wife”.
Elsewhere, someone who leaves reviews on Google Maps was absolutely livid about the number of sheep on Snowdon, which is a bold complaint to level at a mountain in Wales.
2. Ben NEVER
Ben Nevis, Britain’s highest peak, attracts a steady stream of complaints from people furious that it doesn’t have toilets, a café, nor even a Ryman stationery shop at the top. This guy’s got a solution for them all:
3. No pike on Scafell Pike
Speaks for itself. Well played, sir.
4. Mont Blanc is too French, emotionally damaging
Mont Blanc gets absolutely rinsed. As well as the guy who didn’t like it for being too high, Florence Oldfield feels genuinely unsafe – to the point of trauma – among the company at the summit:
5. No one’s smiling on Mount Fuji
“We have been descending since 2023,” complains Victoria P, who penned her excellent review of Mount Fuji while she was still up there:
6. Mount Etna charges for lava
In all fairness, Mount Etna suffers from being marketed as an active volcano, which has led some visitors (probably fans of fantasy films) to expect front-row access to bubbling lava.
This guy’s not happy with just steam, and he really hates the other people who visit this peak.
Even though he is one.
7. Everest Base Camp: where’s the gift shop?
Many reviewers are disappointed by the lack of amenities at Everest Base Camp. One particular reviewer must’ve been having a bad day when they wrote this:
8. Mount Rainier is just a mountain
Nirvan N hates Mount Rainier for not being an ice rink, or a donut shop, or some other place where he can spend his pocket money…
9. Can’t play football on Machu Picchu
Lawrence, a local guide, couldn’t understand why the Incas built Machu Picchu so high up – and without even a lick of paint!
10. Kinabalu = prison
According to this furious British forty-something, Kinabalu isn’t a mountain so much as a dull, joyless stairwell through a corridor of trees, with exactly one viewpoint and a compulsory overnight stay in what he repeatedly refers to as a jail.
AloJapan.com