Authorities in Osaka, Japan, announced today that they were calling off the hunt for American travel writer Michael Jensen and declaring him “lost at mall.”
Jensen — who inexplicably referred to himself as “like Anthony Bourdain, only better” — entered Osaka Station City last Saturday to explore and take photos of one of the city’s largest shopping complexes.
He hasn’t been seen since.
“It’s not that surprising,” said Haruto Sato, the detective in charge of the search. “The massive rail-and-retail complex is the nexus of eight metro and train lines, all surrounded by a vast network of shopping malls, department stores, and underground arcades. Non-Japanese tourists disappearing here aren’t as uncommon as you’d think.”
Police searched for an entire thirty minutes. “Which is more than these wannabe travel influencers deserve,” he said.
When Brent Hartinger, Jensen’s husband, was notified of the disappearance, he reportedly said, “Oh, he’s been missing? And since Saturday, you say?”
When asked if he was upset the search wasn’t longer, he said, “Hey, there are only so many hours in a day.”
Sato explained that, technically, Jensen has been declared “shoppingu mōrude funshitsu shita,” which means “lost at mall.”
“It only happens with foreigners who aren’t used to the scale of things here,” Sato explained. “Or the many, many escalators. Most of these people are never seen again.”
“But remember,” added Aya Suzuki, spokesperson for the Tourism Board of Osaka, also at the press conference, “when shopping in Osaka, foreigners pay no tax on purchases over five thousand yen!”
One of Jensen’s last known pictures demonstrated the craziness of Osaka Station City.
(Michael Jensen)
Jensen is — or, almost certainly, was — the co-creator of Brent and Michael Are Going Places, a travel newsletter he wrote with his husband. They had been living in Osaka for two months when he disappeared.
When first informed that Jensen had been declared “lost at mall,” Hartinger said, “And these people are almost never found? Interesting. Sorry, what? No, I’m just looking up the name of our life insurance company.”
When he posted news of his husband’s disappearance on Facebook, thousands of comments poured in.
“Who?” said one.
“I should care why?” said another.
But the most common comment was: “Thank God! The guy wasn’t nearly as funny as he thought he was.”
According to Hartinger, Jensen had gone out Saturday morning “to take pictures. I was, like, fine. This time it was bikes. In Hong Kong, it was piles of cardboard. Piles of cardboard, people!”
According to the authorities, Jensen’s day had started normally. A review of his credit card purchases showed he visited six different Starbucks and ate at McDonald’s for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
“It was exactly the same as almost every other day of his life,” said Detective Sato. “This, from a guy who claimed he ‘ate like a local.’”
“Which is too bad!” said Ms. Suzuki. “Because Osaka is Japan’s food capital! Don’t forget to try the takoyaki, which we invented!”
Throughout the day, Jensen posted photos of himself online trying on kimonos, pretending to be a Sumo wrestler, and, of course, quaffing Starbucks.
As usual, his social media posts were roundly ignored.
Things took a dark turn when Jensen finally tried to come home. Late that afternoon, he texted Hartinger to say he was lost in the station and shopping complex.
“He texted me?” Hartinger said. “What do you know — he did. Yeah, I never read his texts.”
The text said he had been trying to find the metro line home but had become twisted around.
“In fairness to Jensen,” said Sato, “Osaka Station City is the Godzilla of Japanese train stations. Sometimes even we Japanese get confused. Last week, I went to use the restroom and ended up in Kyoto.”
“But if you do get lost,” said Suzuki, “remember we have excellent shopping and dining options! And that tax-free shopping for foreigners.”
After finding Jensen’s phone in yet another Starbucks, authorities were able to track his last movements. According to Google Maps, he’d walked 85 miles before his phone died.
“All without going outside!” marveled Sato.
As night fell, Jensen panicked and posted messages of distress on social media.
These, too, were ignored.
In fact, the reaction was so weirdly indifferent that, according to a spokesperson for Facebook, the company is considering creating a new “reaction” icon: a giant yawn.
“At least his end came at a Starbucks,” said Hartinger. “He felt safe there. Proactive Life! What? Oh, sorry — I just finally found the name of our life insurance company.”
Hartinger wanted to assure the devoted fans of Brent and Michael Are Going Places that the beloved travel newsletter would carry on, albeit with a few changes.
“I’m changing the name to Free! I’m Free at Last!” he said. He noted that it would chronicle his emotional journey after losing Michael.
“I’ll be sharing my healing trips to the beaches of the Seychelles, living on the Amalfi Coast, and dining in the finest restaurants around the world,” he added.
He encouraged readers who haven’t yet signed up for a paid membership to do so now because, “I’m going to grieve in the style Michael would have wanted — extravagantly.”
AloJapan.com